Hey Guys,
So we were in the hospital again this weekend. My wife is getting stretch marks because her stomach is getting so big. Those stretch marks kinda scab over a little and get super itchy. She then developed a bit of a rash on the rest of her belly, her hands/arms and feet/ankles. This rash may or may not be related to the itchy stretch marks but it’s all itchy as fuck none-the-less. So she did some googling and apparently there is some type of itchiness which can be related to a liver problem (I do not know what it was called and I could not find it online – I think she found it on a pregnancy chat group or something). Anyway, we go to the hospital (2230 Saturday) where they do urine and blood tests and monitor the baby’s heart rate for 20 minutes. We then wait for all these tests to come back. All good for the most part (It is now 0100 Sunday). Then some foxy blonde doctor comes in and does a quick ultrasound and checks her blood pressure. She confirmed that we are in fact having a girl, which is good because everything we’ve bought is pink. She then tells us that my wife’s blood pressure is a little high. Dr. Hottie decides that my wife has to stay overnight so they can keep an eye on her. She doesn’t bother cleaning the gel off of the ultrasound wand. I wonder if the midwives secretly hate her for doing shit like this.
As the doctor is leaving I notice that she has almost no ass meat. Between neglecting to clean off the ultrasound wand and her lack of a phat ass, I decide that she is no longer hot.
A midwife comes in and takes us up to a bed (now 0200). They’re getting her settled in so I go down to the car to get her overnight bag, which is in the trunk. I know my wife will be starving so I grab some of those granola bars that I hid in the car and stuff them in her bag. I know she would prefer a sandwich or something but there is nothing open in the area. I devise a plan.
When I get back up to her hospital room a midwife is doing a few tests and taking some notes. I pull out one of the granola bars, “I found these in the car, I looked for a coffee shop but there’s nothing open. Sorry babe.” I try to sound as apologetic as I can. I turn to the midwife, “Do you know if there is anywhere nearby that I can go to grab her something to eat?”
“Would you like some tea and toast?” she asks my wife.
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
“Oh that would be great, thank you”, says my wife exhaustedly.
I decide that I’m a hero and that I enjoy manipulating people. I head home. I get in at 0230. I make some bacon chops, which are essentially just ridiculously thick slices of bacon. I go to bed at 0330. She texts me at 0930 and says that she will be released soon. I pick her up and we grab some stuff at the pharmacy (calamine lotion and some anti-histamines). Now back at home I start knocking off some chores. The nursery is now totally ready and all we need is a baby to put in it.
I’ll keep you guys posted on any developments.
John
Figured I’d throw this in
a pregnancy guide for men 