Tips, thoughts, ranting

Hey Guys,

We’re now just 16 days from our due date.  The shit could go down at any minute.  She went for a scan today and the doctor said the baby’s a week bigger than she should be.  I’m off any form of alcohol and am on high alert.  Here are a few things I’m doing or have done:

• All hospital bags are packed and are in the trunk.
• I have cash hidden in my wallet (so I don’t spend it).  The last thing I want to do is have to run to a bank machine when she calls me.  If I’m at work I may need cab fare etc.
• I have food stashed in the car.  Granola bars and shit.

She has finished work and is now nesting like a maniac.  Every day I come home and she’s bought something new.  It’s all pretty useless but what can I do?  She’s obviously going through some crazy shit right now so if buying a tiny pink hat and tiny pink mittens makes her happy, what do I care.

I just finished two papers for college (thank fuck) and can now help her more on weekends.  I’m pretty wired up most of the time and even now, at 12:37 am, I feel like I’m wide awake.

Some dipshit broad at work came up to me this morning and said, “No baby yet?!”  with a big, dopey smile on her face.

‘Yeah, we had the baby last night, so I made sure to show up to work bright and early today.’

Who the fuck are these people?  Why do chicks get so crazy about babies?  At least once a day some chick at work asks me 15 baby related questions.  Then another one comes up and gives me a load of bullshit advice which may have been relevant 35 years ago.

“If she eats a whole lemon, lights a cinnamon scented candle and then drinks a can of Diet Coke, she’ll go into labour… But it has to be Diet Coke.  Worked for my sister’s best friend from college.”  Give me a fuckin’ break.

I emailed the chick from HR to let her know the approximate dates that I’ll be off on paternity leave.  She replies with:

“CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! BABIES ARE JUST WONDERFUL!!!!!  THIS IS A SPECIAL TIME!”

Fuck. Off.  Just process my fucking leave, will ya?  I’m also getting a lot of Christmas talk.  “Oh, it’s a Christmas baby?! You’ll have to name her Holly or Carol!”  Em, no.  I realize that this child will be born in late December which, while fantastic, shouldn’t have an influence on her entire life in the form of a dumbass, Christmas related name.  Sure, Noelle will be hot shit every year on December 25th, but what is she supposed to do for the other 364 days of the year?  If she was born around Easter would I have to call her Bunny?  Morons.

 

John