!!!ATTENTION MEN!!!
***Do NOT impregnate a woman***
I don’t even know where to begin. We’re like 16 weeks along at this point. Sometimes she’s awesome, other times she just snaps for no reason. You ever see those videos where a zookeeper is petting a sleeping bear? But it’s not just any bear. This asshole has raised this fuckin bear since he found it in a goddam storm drain when it was 3 days old and they have been best friends for the past 20 years. And then all of a sudden the bear flips the fuck out and rips homeboy’s face off? That’s my wife right now. Think I’m being dramatic? She just un-friended me on Facebook. Yeah, really.
As you may have guessed, I could give two fucks about Facebook, but someone going out of their way to un-friend someone (especially their fucking husband) over an innocuous argument is pretty F’d up. Every evening we go through one of two possible scenarios.
Scenario 1:
(We are watching TV. She is scrolling through her phone)
Her: “You’re so quiet. What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing, just watching TV.”
Her: “Stop being so grouchy. What’s wrong?”
Me: “Seriously babe, nothing is wrong. I’m just watching TV.”
Her: “Fine! Don’t tell me what’s bothering you. I couldn’t give a shit.” (Storms off)
END
Scenario 2:
(We are watching TV. She is scrolling through her phone)
Me: “How was your day? Anything exciting happen?”
Her: (Doesn’t look up) “No.”
Me: “Nothing? Hey how’s that new (project/staff member/issue) coming along?”
Her: “Fine.”
Me: “OK cool.” (I now realize that she doesn’t want to talk so I stop talking)
(A minute or two goes by)
Her: “Why are you so quiet all of a sudden? Are you grumpy?”
Me: “No. Just watching TV.”
Her: “Stop being so grouchy. What’s wrong?”
Me: “Seriously babe, nothing is wrong. I’m just watching TV.”
Her: “Fine! Don’t tell me what’s bothering you. I couldn’t give a shit.” (Storms off)
END
You see what kinda shit I’m putting up with? Oh yeah, update on the weekend job: I did a quick tax calculation and if I make 100 bucks each Saturday I’ll push myself into a higher tax bracket and actually come home with less money. One year of 100 bucks every Saturday will net me like 3,000 euro LESS over the year. What the fuck is that shit?
Seriously boys, wrap it up or become a monk or something.
John
a pregnancy guide for men 